I don't usually like to give movie reviews - but it was a hot weekend and I figured maybe I'd venture out and see what the culture had to offer. So just how bad was "The Martian?" So bad that after an hour I realized I would rather be back in the sweltering 97 degree heat than sitting in an air conditioned theater listening to anymore inane dialog (lines like "F**k you Mars!" and "I'm going to science the S**T out of it!") In fact it would appear that a prerequisite for going into the space program is at least six months of doing stand up. (BAD stand up.) Why does everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) in the movie sound like one of those guys on "The Big Bang Theory?" Snarky and idiotic and always cracking wise. Also: Why did every character, while typing, READ what he's typing out loud? Has anyone ever done this EVER? And what was with all the expository dialog, (the whole script was expository as far as I'm concerned) Throughout the movie Matt Damon talks into a video camera, making a diary and yet he only says things that everyone who would potentially WATCH the video would of course already know, things like: "Oh yeah, did I tell you? I'm a botanist." It's clear he was attempting to speak directly to the viewer and NOT the imaginary audience in the movie itself. This is the laziest kind of writing there is. They don't know how to deliver plot anymore except to dump bowling balls of ham fisted information in your lap; telling you things you've already figured out in the most obvious way possible. That meant that there was absolutely ZERO tension. It was like reading an instruction manual for a microwave oven. "How do I grow potatoes? Oh look there's some poo." (cue the laugh track) And Ridley Scott's direction was as slack as an industrial film. False stakes, false resolutions, false falseness. Now,I know I only managed to make it through the first hour or so; maybe it got really good after that, but I was starting to feel my brain cells beginning to atrophy so it was from a sense of self- preservation that I skedaddled out of there when I did. (And don't get me started on the disco songs and requisite jokes about 'bad musical taste.' It was just more target-market reconstituted nostalgia-bait.) If there is a more unoriginal, un-involving, unbelievable waste of time out there, I haven't seen it. So of course: Line up the Oscars!
During a manned mission to Mars, Astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) is presumed dead after a fierce storm and left behind by his crew. But Watney has survived and finds himself stranded and alone on the hostile planet. With only meager supplies, he must draw upon his ingenuity, wit and spirit to subsist and find a way to signal to Earth that he is alive. Millions of miles away, NASA and a team of international scientists work tirelessly to bring "the Martian" home, while his crewmates concurrently plot a daring, if not impossible rescue mission. As these stories of incredible bravery unfold, the world comes together to root for Watney's safe return. Based on a best-selling novel, and helmed by master director Ridley Scott, THE MARTIAN features a star studded cast that includes Jessica Chastain, Kristen Wiig, Kate Mara, Michael Pena, Jeff Daniels, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Donald Glover. (C) Fox